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Sunday, February 29, 2004

Holy Moses!
Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" topped the box office list this weekend, with a $76.2 million opening that proves America is ready for more violent, anti-Semetic films. I hear Gibson, along with his co-writer, are busy at work on a sequel, where, get this, Jesus rises from the dead. Oh, those Hollywood types, what will they think of next?>

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

If It's Not Scottish, It's Crap...
And you won't find it on this list of the Top 50 Scottish Films. "Trainspotting" is No. 1, and rounding out the top five are "Gregory's Girl," "American Cousins," "Local Hero," and "Whisky Galore." We're betting "So I Married an Axe Murderer" just missed the cut.>
We the People, in Order to Prevent Any Gay Unions...
Talk of President Bush's bold new plan for turning over power to the Iraqis, capturing Osama Bin Laden, reviving the economy, weaning us off our dependence on foreign oil, and curing cancer is predictably dominating the headlines today, but apparently somewhere in his groundbreaking policy initiative , he also announced his support of an Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage, which our tolerance of is the whole reason troops keep perishing in Iraq, they bombed the Twin Towers, the economy still sucks, we're slaves to oil, and people get cancer. Anyway, Low Culture has a patently hi-larious list Other Recently Proposed Constitutional Amendments (we for one, would fight hard to amend the Infield Fly Rule ban to include the Dropped Third Strike) and Bunsen has a list of Potential Loopholes in the Defense of Marriage Act.>
The Early Favorite to Win for Best Adapted Screenplay at the 2005 Oscars
Do you think he'll thank Himself? >

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Two Crucifixes, Way Up
In their twin rave reviews of Mel Gibson's "The Passion of Christ" (a.k.a. "There's Something About Mary's Kid") in today's Chicago Sun-Times, both Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper make the argument that the film is not anti-Semitic because the lead character, Jesus, was in fact not killed by anything the Romans or the Jews did, but by God himself.
Ebert: "The libel that the Jews 'killed Christ' involves a willful misreading of testament and teaching: Jesus was made man and came to Earth in order to suffer and die in reparation for our sins. No race, no man, no priest, no governor, no executioner killed Jesus; he died by God's will to fulfill his purpose, and with our sins we all killed him."

Roeper: "Also, we must keep in mind that Jews and Romans alike were simply fulfilling their roles in God's plan for Jesus, who was put on this Earth to die. The Jews didn't kill Christ; humankind did."

Those are fine arguments, except, isn't there a large portion of the population (Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, etc.) who actually believe that the Jews and the Romans--not God or humanity--did kill Christ? Is it me, or are both presenting as fact the claim that Jesus was the son of God and not perhaps just a man? Would a simple "as Christians believe..." or "according to the New Testament" have hurt their argument?>
"Survivor" Spoilers
Do not click here if you don't want to find out who is next on the unofficial Survivor All-Stars elimination list, which so far has been four-for-four in predicting who will be voted off the island.>

Monday, February 23, 2004

Next on Fox: My Big Fat Lethal Pentothal Drip
According to a new poll commissioned by the little-seen Trio cable network, Osama Bin Laden heads the list of people Americans would want to see executed on live TV. Twenty-one percent of those surveyed said they would tune in to see Osama voted off the island, while only 18% would tune in to see Saddam Hussein fired, err, fried, and just 5% would like to see Scott Peterson get his final answer in the hot seat. A note to potential programmers: the numbers drop dramatically when the executions are switched to pay-per-view or are scheduled against "Yes Dear.">
20 Million Cliff Richard Fans Can't Be Wrong
Despite being responsible for what it judged to be the second-worst pop song of all time, Britain's Channel 4 has determined that Cliff Richard--who couldn't get arrested on our shores even for selling short on his ImClone stock--is the UK's Ultimate Pop Star, having beaten out lightweights like the Beatles and Elvis for top honours (that's the way they spell it over there) on the list, which was based purely on sales. Madonna, at No. 4, was judged the top-ranking female star. Besides finishing second with his first band, Paul McCartney as a solo artist came in at No. 9, so if you combine his total sales, he, and not Richard, is the ultimate British pop star. And finally in the battle of the U's, UB40 beats out U2 by 20 spots. >

Thursday, February 19, 2004

How About Fleetwood Mac's "Tusk"?
Now that the estate of Johnny Cash has rejected any plans to use "Ring of Fire" for a hemorrhoid-relief product, Matt over at Low Culture has a helpful list of asstastic alternatives including "I'm on Fire" and "Brown Eyed Girl.">
Jenny Update
EBay has suspended the auction of 212-867-5309 while it determines if individuals or the phone company own the rights to their phone numbers. But it's not to late to bid on this equally valuable item.>
The Poster Featuring Hutton Gibson reading The Protocols of the Elders of Zion Is Sold Out
But Hutton's son Mel is among the list of celebrities pictured with what is presumedly their favorite books in those posters you often see encouraging people to read at the library. The whole collection of posters is now available for purchase, and its amusing trying to guess what book celebs chose to be pictured with before clicking to enlarge the thumbnail. Mel, to his credit, appears to have cracked the spine of his choice, 1984, while Brit-Brit doesn't look like he's gotten to far into the first Harry Potter. Another trend, apparently lesbians love to read.
Link via Fimoculous.>

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

I Love the 80s...a Little Too Much
Can't afford the $80,000-plus it will cost you on eBay to make 867-5309 your own? Just take a look at the list of some of the fine merchandise piggybacking on the 867-5309 bidding frenzy. For instance, without the cachet of the 212 area code, you can get Jenny's digits in Fayetteville, N.C. at a considerable discount. Others are trying to piggyback on the Jenny publicity by just adding the seven digits to their otherwise unrelated listing, be it Breezie Panties, Egyptian postcards, or a Thomas Lehman PGA Bronze Coin. There are numerous 8675309 domain names and email addresses up for bids. Meanwhile, take a peak at a recent purchase of current high-bidder drgsuper1000.>

Friday, February 13, 2004

That Waddling Town
On the heels of being named one of the country's fattest cities, comes news that My Kind of Town is also the least Heart-Healthy City in America. Hartford, Conn., has the healthiest hearts in the U.S., but since the Whalers left, let's face it, Hartford hasn't been the same, coronary blockage or free-flowing arteries. >

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Joltin Joe Has Left and Gone Away
So he wouldn't have to see what has become of the legacy of the movie whose ubiquitous, not-quite-title song name dropped him all those years ago.
  • 1. As if we needed any proof after such 90s-era hits as "Outbreak" and "Mad City' that Dustin Hoffman has no shame, the actor will be reprising the climactic scene from "The Graduate" for an Audi commercial. The commercial, which is being directed by Michael Bay, will air only in Europe, but I'm sure will be all over the Web shortly after.

  • 2. Despite earlier denials, it turns out Art Garfunkel wasn't carrying parsley, sage, rosemary or thyme, but some good, old fashioned wacky tobaccy.

  • 3. Paul Simon, meanwhile, is treading in the footsteps of Steven Seagal.

  • 4. Ever wonder what would have happened had Benjamin gotten Mrs. Robinson pregnant?

  • 5. That guy in the picture is only 46?
  • >

    Wednesday, February 11, 2004

    America's Greatest Rock Critic
    Steven Ward, the music critic at the (Baton Rouge, La.) Advocate, says you can have your Outkast and your White Stripes. According to his 2003 Pazz and Jop ballot, the year's best album was none other than Styx's "Cyclorama." Predictably, Ward is the only critic of the 700-plus surveyed to mention the Styx release, but just to show that he's not out of step with today's sound, Ward also pegged Pat Benetar's "Go" as his third favorite 2003 disc. Thanks solely to Ward's vote, "Cyclorama" tied for 695th place in this year's poll. >
    Emerging From the Gutter
    We've admittedly been pretty lowbrow lately, which is entirely a different animal from being Lowenbrau, which begs the question: Do they even make that stuff anymore? There was a time that "Here's to good friends, tonight is kind of special..." was ingrained in our collective consciousness. Last I saw some of the Lion's Brew was in Passau, a small German town, back in 1991. Getting back on track, we discovered the following list of Buying Tips for the Novice Art Collector at About Last Night, a site we visit often if for no other reason than to use skills honed by countless hours with the kids watching "Blue's Clues" to collect nuggets about OGIC's true identity. (We initially guessed she was Studs Terkel, but a recent radio appearance dissuaded us.) Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm heading to one of these fine establishments for a Brotzeit.
    Bitch Sort
    Bunsen's got the a list of attributes that either belong to Courtney Love or a Westminster Dog Show entrant and its up to you to sort between the two bitches. >

    Tuesday, February 10, 2004

    Reagan Beats Mondale!
    In results about as surprising as the 1984 presidential election results, Outkast dominated this year's Village Voice Pazz & Jop Critics Poll, taking the top slot in both the album and singles categories. Here are your Top Ten Albums and Singles:
    1 OutKast--Speakerboxxx/The Love Below (Arista)
    2 The White Stripes--Elephant (V2)
    3 Fountains of Wayne--Welcome Interstate Managers (S-Curve)
    4 Radiohead--Hail to the Thief (Capitol)
    5 Yeah Yeah Yeahs--Fever to Tell (Interscope)
    6 The Shins--Chutes Too Narrow (Sub Pop)
    7 New Pornographers--Electric Version (Matador)
    8 Basement Jaxx--Kish Kash (Astralwerks)
    9 Drive-By Truckers--Decoration Day (New West)
    10 Dizzee Rascal--Boy in Da Corner (XL import)

    1 OutKast "Hey Ya!" (Arista)
    2 Beyoncé featuring Jay-Z "Crazy in Love" (Columbia)
    3 The White Stripes "Seven Nation Army" (Third Man/V2)
    4 Kelis "Milkshake" (Star Trak/Arista)
    5 50 Cent "In Da Club" (G-Unit/Shady/Aftermath/Interscope)
    6 Johnny Cash "Hurt" (Universal)
    7 Fountains of Wayne "Stacy's Mom" (S-Curve/Virgin)
    8 R. Kelly "Ignition-Remix" (Jive)
    9 Junior Senior "Move Your Feet" (Atlantic)
    10 Panjabi MC featuring Jay-Z "Beware of the Boys (Mundian To Bach Ke)" (Sequence)

    Monday, February 09, 2004

    As if we Chicago Cubs fans haven't been put through the ringer this past year, on
    last night's episode of "The Simpsons," our beloved Ron Santo was made the butt--literally--of a joke.

    In case you were watching something else, the episode took place at the woefully understocked Springfield Library, where Bart, Lisa, Milhous and Marge have gone to look for materials for the kids' reports. Lisa complains she can't find any books on Sacagawea, just "a couple books about Ron Santo." When she puts the Santo bio back on the shelf, a homeless guy runs over, takes the book, and exclaims "All right, toilet paper!."

    Hasn't poor Ronnie been through enough?

    What a Padraig It Is...

    Our apologies, but we harbor a hidden secret: We are actual golf fans, so pardon the momentary indulgence.

    What do you know, it seems George W. was right about something--old Europe is obsolete, at least when it comes to the Continent's standing in the world golf rankings. For the first time in the 18-year history of the rankings, not a single, stinkin' European is in the top 10, Padraig Harrington having fallen behind a suddenly resurgent but still Majorless Phil Mickelson. The top 10 is now made up of a coalition of the putting, which consists of the U.S. (Tiger, Davis Love, Jim Furyk Kenny Perry, Lefty and David Toms), Fiji (Vijay), South Africa (Ernie Els and Retief Goosen), and Canada (Mike Weir). Incidentally, no European has won a major since Paul Lawrie took the British in 1999 and no European has been No. 1 in the rankings since Nick Faldo in 1994.>
    Status Simians
    In honor of the Year of the Monkey, Retro Crush ranks the 50 Coolest Apes of All Time. Other than replacing a lame dig at Luis Guzman with Homer's helper monkey, it's hard to argue with their list, though there are no doubt quite a few monkeys that are feeling slighted.
    Link via Best Week Ever, which despite the show's mandate to "feature comics, actors and musicians providing their provocative, amusing and slightly twisted takes on the high (and low) points of the big and small stories of the week" was strangely absent of talk of Nipplegate on Friday night.>

    Friday, February 06, 2004

    I'm Not Uptight, Not Unattractive
    It was a slow day, so we'll leave you with the news that in this week's issue of Entertainment Weekly, (available online only to subscribers) John Grisham gets all reflective and rates his own books, which most people stopped reading about a decade ago when they relaized they would all eventually be made into mediocre movies that would pass the time on those Chicago to Los Angeles flights. Anyway, he lists his top three in order as: The Firm, A Time to Kill, and The Chamber; while at the bottom are: The Summons, The Brethren, and The Client.

    Thursday, February 05, 2004

    Weapon of Mammary Destruction
    As Tit Week continues, Maureen Dowd gets credit for that great header. Elsewhere the fall out from Janet Jackson's "wardrobe failure" keeps growing:
  • 1. Janet Jackson will not appear at the Grammys after CBS retracted her invitation. She was scheduled to introduce a tribute to Luther Vandross. In classic blame the victim fashion, Justin Timberlake, he who ripped the bodice, is still scheduled to perform.

  • 2. Showing that a good old fashion boob beats manufactured lesbianism or terrorism any day, the breast baring is now the most popular Internet search of all time, according to Lycos, which apparently some people stuck in some sort of 1998 time wrinkle are still using for Web searches.

  • 3. Timberlake's fellow N*Syncer J.C. Chasez, who was scheduled to perform at halftime of this weekend's Pro Bowl game, has been replaced. Chasez, whose act was to include him simulating sex with a goat and taking a leak on an American flag, will be replaced by a cadre of hula dancers, drummers, conch shell blowers and local Hawaiian singers.

  • 4. Tonight's episode of "ER" will no longer feature a titillating scene in which all three of the show's viewers under the age of 18 would have seen a two-second glimpse of an 80-year-old woman's breast.

  • 5. Guaranteeing that what little spontaneity might still exist in the world of television is further neutered, the Grammys,the Oscars, and even the NBA All-Star Game, will be shown on a seven-second delay, much to the consternation of those of use who like to turn down Billy Crystal and listen to Whoopi Goldberg on the radio.

  • 6. AOL users will have to venture into (shudder) the big old scary Internet itself to see themselves some of those boobs everyone keeps talking about because the service is canceling its deal to stream on demand the entire Super Bowl XXXVIII Halftime Show, which was sponsored by AOL..

  • 7. I guess a Sex Pistols reunion will be one of the first ideas rejected for next year's halftime show.

  • >

    Wednesday, February 04, 2004

    TV Tits
    Janet Jackson wasn't the first (or last, hopefully) woman to bare her breast on the boob tube, as this list of the TV's Most Memorable Milk Wagon Moments from USA Today illustrates. Hopefully Dick Clark's production company is already busy acquiring all the footage listed, but if you have a favorite small screen sweater meat sighting that's been overlooked why not share? Them comments, they don't write themselves. >
    Voices Kerry
    With his five-for-seven showing in (Til) Tuesday's primaries, it's time for Democratic front-runner John Kerry to keep up his johnmentum and pick a campaign song. Thankfully, the political strategists at Low Culture have some ideas for the junior senator from Massachusetts including Mr. Mister's "Kyrie," Kansas'* "Carry on My Wayward Son," and The Beatles "Carry That Weight," all with pros and cons. The key it seems is to pick a song with a vaguely positive message such as Bill Clinton's use of Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop" and to avoid using a song just because it has your name in it, advice Al Gore with his use of "You Can Call Me Al" failed to heed. LC also has some pointed suggestions for the Bush camp.

    *You could build quite an impressive CD collection from scratch by just following the "Customers who bought this title also bought" recommendations from Amazon's page for "The Best of Kansas.">

    Tuesday, February 03, 2004

    Jingle Jangle
    While everyone remains obsessed with Yabbos Nation 2004, the good folks at ESPN are willing to help us move on by coming out with not just a list, but a megalist, ranking the 120 franchises in the four major sports in a number of categories to come up with Fan Satisfaction Rankings. The reigning NBA champion San Antonio Spurs grab the top overall spot, while the Green Bay Packers, Anaheim Angels, and Edmonton Oilers top their respective sports. Other franchises of note: New England Patriots (No. 13), New York Yankees (No. 28), Los Angeles Lakers (No. 31), Chicago Cubs (No. 45), and Boston Red Sox (No. 95). Take note fellow Chicagoans, after the Beloved at No. 45, our other four teams all rank in the bottom quarter, with the Bulls at No. 93, the White Sox at No. 99, da Bears at No. 103, and in last place overall the mighty Blackhawks. >
    It's the Least We Could Do...
    Francis, all you have to do is ask.>
    Boob Tube
    By now, you've no doubt tired of the news about Janet Jackson's boosom, which according to the gods at Tivo was the highest-paused and rewound moment ever in the service's history. As for the commercials, which, in a word, sucked, Tivo has its list of the Top 10 Super Bowl XXXVIII Commercials, with Bud Light's farting horse (must have been all the Beef-A-Reeno) topping the list, followed by Bud Light's crotch-biting dog and not to far ahead of Bud Light's horny monkey and beer-buying not quite barely legals. >

    Monday, February 02, 2004

    Move Over Jimi, Let Tony Take Over
    If you dig the sublime licks laid down on "War Pigs," then you'll no doubt agree with Guitar World's assessment that Black Sabbath's Tony Iommi is No. 1 on the list of 100 Greatest Heavy Metal Guitarists. Sorry, Pepsi, but Jimi didn't even rate because the editors tabbed him as more of a "futuristic blues player" than a heavy metal guitarist.

    And speaking of ad news, if you thought the image of a football being thrown through a tire for Levitra was a little to subtle, then you'll love the news that Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" may soon be used for a Preparation H commercial. We suggest the producers of the ad might want to quit tap dancing around the message and use the Man in Black's little known late-'90s outtake, "Man, My Ass Is a Burning Something Fierce."

    Cash link via the blogosphere's Spartacus, TMFTML.

    Sunday, February 01, 2004

    Bee Real
    Corbin Bernsen, Harry Anderson, Alice Cooper, Brett Butler, Eric Roberts, George Wendt, and Vincent Pastore are among the list of celebrities who will be taking part in Fox's next big reality series, Celebrity Spelling Bee. The also-rans and has-beens will captivate us for three nights later this month as they ask the judges for alternate pronunciations We miss the days when Fox would just have Vanilla Ice and Todd Bridges kicking the crap out of each other.>
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